Homonculove
by Mereo Flere
Summary: Shirou was adopted into the Emiya-Einzbern family.  They're different from what he expected, but... he can't complain.  Most of the time, anyway.
1. The First Day

"Homonculove" by Mereo Flere

A/N: A Prismatic Illya based scenario, where it will mostly focus on how Shirou became accustomed to being part of the Emiya-Einzbern family.

Prepare for just an ordinary slice of life story about a cute family doing cute things.

…well, maybe they're not _that _ordinary.

XXX

The sun was shining that day, like a bright smile that congratulated the boy on his discharge from the hospital. Its light was warm and comforting, and to Shirou it seemed to promise that peaceful days were waiting for him. However, that thought does nothing to reassure him at all – instead, it only puts him at more unease.

Is this really okay? That was the thought that goes through the boy's mind, as he looked up at the man beside him – the same man that had saved him from the fire, and visited him every day while he was being treated. That was already more than enough compassion shown to the boy – but to go even further, for the man to invite Shirou into his family… wasn't that just a little too much?

The man, Kiritsugu, looked down at the boy and gave him a smile as bright as the sun's rays. He saw in Shirou's eyes the worries going through the young boy's heart, and answered the Shirou's unspoken question with a gentle pat on the head. Kiritsugu then turned his eyes forward – to the house that he and his wife had purchased together. It was where his family, Shirou's family, would live together from now on. "Welcome home," he said warmly, before he gave Shirou a gentle push forward.

Shirou, though still afraid of doing something wrong, had no choice but to take the first step toward the future.

XXX

As a maid, Sella was used to going along with her mistress' whims. Irisviel, after all, could be a flighty person at times. Though her mistress was responsible in the times she needed to be, Sella had no doubt that the number of times Irisviel had brought strange things home is greater than the stars in the sky.

However, that was Irisviel. It was only the mistress that brought back weird souvenirs like a snakeskin fossil, a coin supposedly possessed by a dragon, or that one pile bunker that seemed to cause all of the carrots in the refrigerator to disappear. Her husband, Kiritsugu, usually had much better when it came to bringing back gifts.

…usually.

"And so that's why Shirou will be living with us starting today," the man explained – cheerfully grinning at the maid as the boy bowed politely when he is introduced.

"I-it's a pleasure to meet you."

If not for her pride as a maid she would have palmed her face in exasperation. Instead, she simply sighed and shook her head in wonderment.

"Kiritsugu-sama," she said in a weary, almost impatient tone. "Have you even discussed this over with Irisviel-sama?"

"Of course," Kiritsugu said with a nod. "In fact, it was her idea. She said a big brother would be the perfect present for Ilya," he continued, confirming the maid's suspicions of Irisviel sapping away his common sense. Still…

Sella massaged her temples, trying to delay the oncoming headache. Even if Irisviel was an easy going person, she wouldn't have made such a life altering decision on such a whim, right? Of course not, Sella assured herself... though that didn't change the fact that that sounded like something Irisviel would say, whatever Sella's mistress' true intentions were.

"Yes," Sella said, as she removed her hand from her face. "That sounds exactly like something she would say."

Even if she was troubled by the way her masters decided things, it wasn't her role to question Irisviel and Kiritsugu. No – more than anything else Sella had a duty to support her masters, no matter what path they decide to tread. Thus, despite the reluctance that took hold of her heart, she ignored those feelings and held the skirt of her uniform outward, curtseying for the boy.

"Welcome home, Shirou-sama," she said stiffly – careful to remember the suffix.

Shirou wondered, once again, if this would really be alright.

XXX

Where Sella had shown a disinclination to accept Shirou, the other maid of the house, Leysritt, had greeted him with a hug almost immediately – picking up the boy and smothering him with her ample chest. It was a gesture that was infinitely friendlier and more dangerous than the other maid's had been – for a moment Shirou had been sure he would suffocate, had Sella not stepped in and pulled them apart.

"He isn't here to be another maid," Sella explained dryly, able to understand the strange train of thought that had gone through Leysritt's head.

"Of course not," Leysritt said, blinking. "Maids are women. This is clearly a boy," she continued, turning Shirou around to face Sella. "Here, I'll show you."

Instinctively, Sella pulled Shirou away from Leysritt before the other maid could do her little demonstration. "He's not here to be a butler either," Sella said, her eyes rolling. "So he won't be doing any of your work for you."

"Oh?" Leysritt said, her excitement visibly deflating. "But then, what is he doing here then?"

"I've adopted him," Kiritsugu explained, seemingly unconcerned at all by Leysritt's antics – a fact that unnerved Sella a little. Part of her wanted to tell him to be a little bit more protective, though the rest of her decided to keep a silent vigil instead. "He's my new son."

Leysritt kneeled down until she was at eye level with the boy, examining him closely. She stroked her chin for a few moments, before frowning. "Kiritsugu," Leysritt said with a frown. "Your son isn't very new at all. I would say he is at least five years old."

Suddenly, Kiritsugu's head snapped towards Shirou – who froze on the spot. Shirou was unable to move as Kiritsugu leaned over Shirou, an investigative eye taking a close look at his son. For a moment, Shirou wondered if there was something wrong with him, something that Kiritsugu hadn't noticed before. Finally…

"You're right," Kiritsugu said, standing back up. "He does seem a bit old. He must be nearing six now."

Shirou bowed his head, fidgeting with his fingers. "I-I'm actually seven," he admitted, even though he was afraid that the truth would only make things worse.

"Is that so?" Kiritsugu said cheerfully, a hand ruffling up Shirou's hair. "I suppose that makes you my new old son."

"I'm pretty sure those two cancel each other out," Leysritt said sagely.

"Ah, of course," Kiritsugu agreed with a nod. "Then, I guess that just makes you my son."

Shirou sighed in relief… before realizing they had been intentionally messing with him. "It's not fair," he muttered, trying to pout but not quite succeeding, "Playing around with me like that."

"It's not fair," Leysritt admitted, a small smile gracing her features. "But you'll get used to it."

"That's what family is," Kiritsugu explained.

"Don't you feel a little embarrassed saying something like that, Kiritsugu-sama?" Sella asked, crossing her arms.

"…a little bit."

XXX

Shirou had met Irisviel once before when he had been in the hospital, so he already knew to call her "Mama" when he greeted her, even if it was a little embarrassing. If he hadn't, Irisviel would have certainly glared at him – and that was a fate no man, let alone a boy, could endure, at least that was what Kiritsugu had said. The only thing apparently more dangerous was her mystic eyes of puppy dogs, which had apparently slain every opponent that it had been used against.

However, behind Irisviel was a girl he had never seen before, though Shirou had no doubt about who it was; he had heard a lot about her in the hospital after all. While Ilyasviel poked her head out curiously, she still continued to use her mother as a shield – observing the boy just as much as he observed her. Sheepishly, he raised his hand and smiled at her. In return, she ducked behind Irisviel, leaving Shirou just standing there awkwardly waving his hand.

"Now now, Ilya-chan," Irisviel said, gently stepping aside – leaving no cover for the cowardly Ilya at all. "That's no way to greet your new older brother, right?"

"Actually," Kiritsugu corrected, as he nudged Shirou forward for the second time today. "We figured out that the two cancelled each other out."

"Is that so?" Irisviel said, tipping her head to the side. "But that won't do," she said. "After all, Shirou-kun is bigger than Ilya-chan."

Shirou looked up at Kiritsugu, only to find the man already looking down at him. Once again, Kiritsugu had a thoughtful expression on his face. "I suppose you're right," Kiritsugu said. "I suppose he's the big brother then."

"That's right!" Irisviel said.

"So…" Ilyasviel said, furrowing her brow. "I have big brother?"

"Yes," Irisviel answered. "You can call him 'Onii-chan!'"

Shirou stared at Irisviel, though he spared a moment to glance to Kiritsugu. He should have expected this, from the way Sella and Leysritt had reacted, but…

"Mother, Father," Shirou said slowly, still not quite used to using those words. "It sounds like my sister wasn't expecting me."

"Of course she wasn't," Kiritsugu said with an impish grin. "It would have ruined the surprise."

"Surprise!" Irisviel shouted cheerfully, pumping her fist in the air. In the background, Leysritt mimicked her mistress' actions, while Sella gave the world a defeated shrug. As for Ilya, she still looked very confused.

On the bright side, that meant that Shirou had already found something in common with his sister.

XXX

Shirou's new sister was still wary of him, and the boy was sure that if the two of them were left alone he wouldn't know what to do with her. While he was worrying about this, though, Irisviel chose that moment to declare that it was time to go see Shirou's room.

There was one problem, though.

"We didn't prepare his room, dear," Kiritsugu reminded his wife.

"Oh?" Irisivel said with a gasp. "That's unusually negligent of us!"

"Perhaps you also wanted his room to be a surprise," Leysritt offered helpfully.

"That's it!" Irisviel said with a cheerful clap, retconning the past to fit the maid's suggestion in an instant. "That's exactly it. We didn't forget to prepare it at all, we just wanted it to be a surprise… and it wouldn't have been a surprise if we had done that!"

Kiritsugu smiled at his wife's seemingly boundless energy. "Well then," he said, running a hand through his hair. "Since we want to keep it a secret, you probably shouldn't spoil it for the boy by yelling about it in front of him."

Irisviel's eyes went wide as she realized her grave mistake... but it was okay, she could still fix this! Suddenly, she twirled around as though she were undergoing a magical girl transformation, and for a moment Shirou was sure that the white sundress she wore was going to change into something more suitable for fighting evil villains. However, Irisiviel's clothes didn't change, and in the end she simply ended her spin facing Shirou – her finger pointed at him as though it were a gun. "Please," she said with a wink, firing off an imaginary bullet. "Forget everything you heard just now, okay Shirou-kun?"

"…" Shirou stared at his mother for a moment, unable to find any words that would be able to be comprehended in the modern era. He was completely baffled by this woman; though he thought that he had figured out what to anticipate from her when she had visited him in the hospital, she had utterly surpassed his expectations. Finally, he simply gave a wordless nod, unsure what else he could do.

The brilliant smile she gave him immediately afterwards made him regret not answering her sooner.

"So it's settled!" she shouted as she grabbed Kiritsugu's hand, practically beaming. "Let's go set up his room!"

"Of course, dear," Kiritsugu said, as he was pulled his wife out of the room.

Then, just like that, his parents had left the room. Though Sella gave Shirou and Ilya a concerned glance, both of the maids shortly followed their mistress… and, before he knew it, Shirou found himself alone with Ilya.

As he expected, Shirou had no idea what to do with her at all.

XXX

A couple of minutes passed silently between them. It became even more awkward when he realized that it was Ilya's bedroom that they were in, and he wondered what would happen if he accidentally touched anything. Did she want him to leave? Had Ilya even accepted Shirou as her brother yet?

"Onii-chan," Ilya said softly, answering that last unspoken question.

"What is it?"

Cautiously, Ilya approached him – walking slowly as one would when she expected to run across some sort of trap. Shirou, for his part, remained frozen in place – not retreating, but at the same time unable to make any move at all. In a matter of moments, they were inches apart, with the little girl looking up at him with a curious expression.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked, shifting his posture uncomfortably a little.

Ilya frowned, before suddenly standing on the tip of her toes – a hand shooting out at his head. It was fast, unreasonably fast for a girl of her size, but even though she caught him off guard her hand didn't reach. In the end, she was too short to reach.

Shirou blinked. "W-what are you doing?" he asked, wondering if he had done something to make her mad already.

Ilya pouted. "I wanted to see Onii-chan's hair," she said.

"Is that so?" Shirou said, relieved. "Well then," he continued with a smile, kneeling on the ground so she could reach. "I don't really mind."

"Hurray!" Ilya celebrated, running her hands through his hair. He winced a little when she pulled a little too tightly at first – but he forgave her immediately when he saw her smile. When she calmed down, she had started to twirl some strands of hair between her fingers, though he couldn't really see how this was fun.

"Is there any reason you wanted to see my hair?" he asked, as she merrily continued to play with it.

"Oh," Ilya said, pausing for a moment. "I wanted to see you were a boy or a girl."

Once again, Shirou blinked, unable to understand the question. "You… you don't know?" Shirou asked, his pride as a man hurt a little. Sure, he was still little, but… he didn't think he looked like a girl.

"Well," she said, tipping her head to the side. "You don't have white hair like me or mama or Sella or Leysritt," she said, pointing at her own hair. "But you don't have black hair like Papa either! Your hair is red!"

Shirou chuckled. "Ilya-chan," he said, patting her on the head. "People aren't girls or boys because of their hair color."

"Oh," Ilya said, using her hand to cover a gasp. "Really?"

Shirou nodded. "Really."

"Interesting," Ilya said, stroking her chin. It was certainly a new discovery for her. "So then…what are you, Onii-chan?"

"I'm a boy," Shirou said. "If I were a girl, I would be your Onee-chan instead."

"Ah," Ilya said. "That makes sense! So then you're a boy like Papa!" she continued, pointing at Shirou with one hand.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"And I'm a girl like Mama," she said, using her other hand to point at herself.

"Well, yes."

"Then," Ilya said, bringing both of her hands together – forming the shape of a heart with them. "We can be a mama and papa too, right?"

"…no," Shirou said with a laugh, shaking his head. They couldn't do that, at least not with each other.

"Why not?" Ilya whined. "Papa and Mama always talk about how happy becoming Papa and Mama made them."

"Well," Shirou said, rubbing the back of his head as he tried to figure out a way to explain it. "We're already siblings, see?"

"Oh?" Ilya said, tilting her head.

"And becoming your brother has already made me happy," he said with a smile.

"Ah," Ilya said, smiling back at him. "Then… becoming your sister has made me happy too, Onii-chan!"

"Then it's settled. We'll always be brother and sister."

"Okay!"

XXX

Sella had been forced to make a tough decision when Irisviel and Kiritsugu had decided to go set up Shirou's new room. On one hand, she knew practically nothing about the boy, and she was concerned about what might happen if he were left alone with the young Ilyasviel. On the other hand… staying to watch the children would have meant leaving Irisviel and Kiritsugu to their devices. Sure, she could have sent Leysritt alone to watch them… but all things considered the other maid would have only made things worse, if she wasn't simply pulled into the chaos that the husband and wife were sure to cause.

In the end, she knew what she had to do. Even though she cast a regretful glance at the children, the ones she followed out the door were the graver of her concerns.

It started off innocently enough. There was an unused room on the second floor, empty save for some boxes that had been sitting there since the family had moved in there. Sella and Leysritt were tasked with putting them up in the attic. However, by the time Sella returned, she could already tell that trouble was about to start.

"Kiritsugu-sama," Sella said, staring at the object in her master's hand. "What… just what is that contraption?"

Kiritsugu followed Sella's gaze, eventually realizing that she was referring to what he was holding on to. "Isn't it obvious?" he asked, as he waved it around for her – as though its visibility had been the problem. "I thought it would be easy to tell what it was, honestly."

"It certainly does remind me of something," Sella said dryly, as she recalled what some of Kiritsugu's so called 'tools' were. "But… I am sincerely hoping that it isn't what I think it is."

"And just what is it that you think it is?" Kiritsugu asked, raising a brow. Once again, he looked at what he held, holding it up to eye level as he inspected it.

Sella pursed her lips as she tried to remember the exact name of the item. "A rifle," she finally said, with a frown.

"Ha!" Kiritsugu laughed, shaking his head quickly. "Don't worry, it isn't a rifle."

"Oh, is that so?" Sella asked, though she felt relieved that it wasn't a gun.

"It's a pistol," he explained, nodding his head. "In general, rifles will usually have a stock, a longer barrel, and are generally bigger in size than this," he explained – complete with accompanying gestures, which involved waving the handgun around a few times.

"But, in the end," Sella said with a sigh, rubbing her temples to ease away a headache. "Don't they all shoot bullets?"

"There's no need to worry about that," Kiritsugu said cheerfully. "These don't fire bullets."

"Really?" Sella asked skeptically.

"They fire paint!" he said. Then, to prove his point, he aimed at the wall and pulled the trigger of his pistol. A moment later, a small blue dot appeared on the otherwise perfectly white surface.

Sella stared at the dot for a few moments before she turned back to Kiritsugu with a sour expression on her face. "And… why does it fire paint?"

"Well," Kiritsugu said with a silly smile on his face. "What else do you expect a _paint gun_ to shoot?"

"…let me rephrase that," she said, with a sigh. "Why do you have this 'paint gun' out?"

"Well," he said, pointing at the wall. "You can't really expect a wall to paint itself, can you? Not unless you use magic to animate it, of course."

Once again, Sella stared at the dot. That tiny, tiny dot that was all alone on the wall. "You... surely you can't be thinking of painting the entire room with just that pistol, are you Kiritsugu-sam?"

"Of course not," Kiritsugu said, scoffing at such a thought. "That would be ridiculous. The rest of you will be using some too."

"…"

"What? Is there a problem?"

"Can't we just use brushes, Kiritsugu-sama?"

"Well, that's what I suggested too," he said, nodding his head. "But, Iri said things would be more interesting this way, so she insisted this is how it should be done."

Sella suppressed a groan. "Of course she would."

"Don't worry," Kiritsugu said, giving her a reassuring smile. "It won't take that long."

"Why do you say that?"

"…do the words 'Paint Grenade Launcher' mean anything to you?" he asked, not that he really expected it too. She didn't even know the difference between a handgun and a rifle, after all. "Because Iri went to go grab one."

Yet, to Kiritsugu's surprise, Sella nodded. "Yes. They do," she said, rubbing her head. Regardless of what this 'grenade launcher' was, it was almost certainly going to be a headache for Sella, especially in Irisviel's hands.

XXX

So, there Shirou was, just starting to get along with his sister, when all of a sudden he heard the sound of something exploding. The house even shook a little, and for a moment Shirou had thought his heart had stopped beating. However, though it had caught him by surprise, for some reason it didn't bother Ilya at all.

…maybe it was just his imagination?

"Irisviel-sama!"

…then again, maybe it was real after all.

"Sorry, Sella!" he heard his mother apologize. "I'm still getting the hang of this."

Shirou glanced back towards the hallway that the adults had disappeared to where he had the hall had come from. For a moment, he wondered if he should check out if things were alright; whatever happened had caused Sella to shout out in distress. Then again, Irisviel would probably pout if he saw his 'surprise bedroom' before it was ready. Besides, he reminded himself, they were all responsible grownups, right?

A second explosion rang out, and with it followed another "Irisviel-sama!"

"Sorry!"

Okay, so maybe Irisviel was a little more carefree than he had anticipated. That didn't mean the others would cause any trouble.

"Leysritt!" Sella cried out, following another explosion. Just what were they doing that seemed to involve so much stuff blowing up?

"It looked like fun," the other maid explained.

"You…!"

Well, on the bright side, at least his father –

**-BOOM-**

"Kiritsugu-sama! Not you too!"

"Sorry. I'll make it up to you later, I promise."

…at that point, Shirou decided to give up. He wasn't sure what it was he was giving up exactly, but for some reason he definitely felt defeated.

"Is there something wrong, Onii-chan?" Ilya asked, looking up at him with a worried expression on her face.

"You… do you really not hear anything strange going on?" Shirou asked, wondering why she didn't seem bothered by all the noise. It was as if she didn't even notice any of it in the first place.

"Strange?" she asked, putting a finger to her lips.

"Yes, strange," he said, nodding his head. "It's… just listen."

"Okay, Onii-chan!" Ilya blinked, before nodding. Cupping her hand to an ear, she listened. Furrowing her brows, Shirou saw a very concentrated expression appear on her face.

Finally, about ten seconds later, another explosion came. "See!" he said, pointing down the hallway. "Didn't you hear anything strange?"

Ilya blinked, before slowly shaking her head. "No, not really, Onii-chan," she said. "It's just stuff blowing up again, right?"

"…"

XXX

A few minutes passed, which Shirou spent most of just listening to the various shouts and explosions while Ilya continued to play with his hair. Finally, Sella came walking back for some reason now covered from head to toe in blue paint except for her face. However, judging from the towel in her hand, which had a remarkably accurate depiction of Sella's frustrated expression, that too had been covered in some point, just wiped clean at some point.

"Come," she said, staring at Shirou. For some reason, she seemed to be angry at him… but just because it was his room they were setting up it wasn't like he could be held responsible for what the other adults had done, right?

**"Come,"** Sella repeated, louder than before. "Or did you not hear me the first time?"

Shirou gulped, but quickly nodded – standing up and falling in place behind her.

"You too, Ilya-sama," she said to his sister – though with a far sweeter tone than she had used for Shirou.

"Okay, Sella!" Ilya said, pumping a fist in the air. Then she ran forward, excitedly jumping onto Shirou's back. "Let's go, Onii-chan!"

One way or another, Shirou managed to keep his balance – even catching Ilya before she could slide off of him. Giving off a weak smile, he was about to ask her what she thought she was doing… before Sella preemptively silenced him with a look.

"Yes," Sella said. "Let's go."

"O-okay."

And, like that, Sella started to walk back to where the others were and Shirou followed, all the while giving Ilya a piggy back ride. To be honest, he was afraid of what he would find at the end of the road – the source of Sella's irritation, as well as those explosions.

…finally, they reached a room at the end of the hallway. "Go ahead," Sella said, stepping aside. "Shirou-sama."

Shirou looked up at her before nodding. Making sure one hand kept Ilya from falling, he reached out to the handle with the other and twisted the doorknob. Then, with a deep breath, he pushed it open and stepped inside.

"Surprise!" Irisviel yelled energetically as soon as the boy stepped into your view. "Here's your new bedroom, Shirou!"

Shirou looked around. To be honest, he was surprised, even though he had known that they were getting it ready for him from the start. To be honest, he hadn't expected the room to survive whatever it was the adults were doings… and yet, here it was, with all of the walls somehow managing to stay in one piece.

The room was also blue. Very blue, actually. In fact, the only things in this room that wasn't covered in blue were the people inside it – except for Sella who stood in the door frame, who had somehow been the only one who had gotten caught up in the mess.

Still... it was intact and, more importantly, it would be his from now on.

Shirou let himself smile a little at that thought.

"So…" Kiritsugu said, grinning at the boy. "What do you think?"

"It's nice," he said, absolutely sincere. "But… didn't you guys miss something?"

"Eh?" Kiritsugu said, blinking. Quickly, he looked around, for a spot that had been left untouched – though he was unable to find none. "I'm pretty sure we got everything."

"Ah," Leysritt said with a clap. "We forgot the furniture."

Once again, Irisviel's eyes went wide as she realized the error that had been made. And, like before, she figured out that she could fix this. Twirling around again, she spun around before ending her spin facing Shirou – except this time instead of brandishing an imaginary gun she pointed a strange looking device at him.

"Please," she said with an innocent wink, "Forget everything you saw and heard just now, okay Shirou-kun?"

Then, she pulled the trigger. A second later, Shirou found himself covered in blue paint, just like Sella was.

"Ah! Sorry Shirou-kun," Irisviel apologized, rushing over to her son with a towel. "I forgot that I was holding a paint gun!"

"It's actually a paint grenade launcher," Kiritsugu corrected cheerfully.

On Shirou's back, shielded from most of the paint by her older brother, Ilya giggled. "Onii-chan, your hair is blue!"

"Yes, yes it is," Shirou agreed with a laugh, deciding to just go with the flow. "But I'm still a boy, by the way."

"Hurray!"

XXX

End of Chapter One.


	2. The First Day Part 2

"Homonculove" by Mereo Flere

Chapter 2

XXX

As it turned out, using paint guns wasn't the brightest of ideas. It was certainly interesting, and nobody could deny the fun of just letting loose on a defenseless wall, but… in the end, it was easy to see why painters didn't do things this way.

"To begin with," Sella said, shaking her head as she looked at the questionable work of her masters. "Couldn't you have at least checked that it was all the same color?"

It was bad enough that the paint wasn't smooth, or the fact that there was still quite a bit of paint dripping from the ceiling onto the carpet; anywhere she looked you would see a random mashup of colors – as though someone had stuck a rainbow in a shredder and then threw it everywhere.

"Of course I did!" Irisviel said with a pout, crossing her arms. "I made sure that all of mine were blue."

"Irisviel-sama, your husband's paint was red. And Leysritt's were neon green."

"Well of course," Irisviel said, smiling. "Is there a better way to keep track of what everybody had done? How else would we keep track of points?"

"…points?"

"Yes, points. You know, to see who won."

"Irisviel-sama…"

"Yes, Sella?"

"Nothing," Sella said, shaking her head. After all, it wasn't a maid's place to question her masters' methods… or her sanity. She simply had to follow her lead and, if necessary, correct anything they had overlooked on their own. For now, going along with Irisviel's flow was the easiest way to get through this. "So," Sella began, looking at the haphazard job. "Have you determined the winner yet?"

"Ah, about that," Irisviel said sheepishly, a small blush on her face. "It seems we never actually set about making any rules."

"…"

"So, I guess this means I'm the winner by default!"

"Mama, you always do that!" Ilyasviel said with a pout.

"Do what?" Irisviel asked, tilting her head. "Win? Of course! That's what mamas do!"

XXX

Due to a mess caused earlier in the day the kids had to take a bath to wash away the paint. Not together of course; that wouldn't have been proper, after all. Naturally, Ilya went first with Sella, to make sure that the paint wouldn't ruin her hair. Eventually the two of them came out, leaving the bathroom open for Shirou.

He didn't immediately go in of course. It still felt a little bit like he was a guest in the house, and just using someone else's bathroom felt weird. However, the paint had become mostly dry, and it was starting to get uncomfortable, so he knew he would have to go in soon.

Seeing his hesitation, Leysritt patted the boy on the head. "Would you like me to wash you like Sella washed Ilya?"

"Ah? No, no!" Shirou immediately denied, blushing at the thought. "I'm old enough to wash myself, really!"

"Then you better go on then," she said, pushing him forward. "Otherwise I might have to follow you." With that, his hesitation was gone… in fact he seemed to be in a hurry to close the door behind him.

"Hm," Leysritt said with a slight smile on her face. "It seems that Kohaku-san was right." The more pure something was, the more tempting it was to try to corrupt them. Not that she would ever do such a thing herself, of course. She certainly would not do _this_ or **that**, and absolutely not both at the same time.

A hand chopped her on the head lightly, drawing her attention. "You shouldn't even be thinking about such things," Sella said with a huff, as if she had somehow managed to read Leysritt's mind. But that was impossible, of course.

"You don't even know what I was thinking of," Leysritt said with a straight face.

"You mentioned Kohaku-san," Sella said, narrowing her eyes. "There's never been a time when that eastern style maid has been a good influence on anybody."

"…perhaps," Leysritt admitted. "But if it makes you feel better, I was specifically thinking about not doing those things."

"So you were thinking about them after all…"

"Ah," Leysritt said, blinking as she realized her error. "I misspoke. I was thinking about how I would not think about those things."

"I don't even know how that's supposed to work!"

"To be honest, I never understood it either," Leysritt admitted. "The stuff in Kohaku-san's books always seemed to lack a basis in reality."

"…"

"…ah, wait. You mean about how I was thinking about how not to think about stuff, weren't you."

"…"

"Well," Leysritt said, trying to pat Sella's head – though the other maid slapped it away. "Just don't think about it."

Sella sighed. She should have been used to Leysritt's so called though processes by now… but then again, she still hadn't adjusted to Irisviel's either. She wondered if such a time would ever come. "Anyway," Sella said, crossing her arms. "Try to avoid teaching the new master anything strange."

"What do you mean, strange?"

"…don't let him become an otaku like you, is what I mean," Sella said bluntly.

Leysritt stared at Sella. To be honest, liking things like anime and manga didn't seem that strange to her. Still, she wasn't the type of person who would try to force her tastes on the boy. "Very well," Leysritt said, nodding. "I won't teach him anything about having good taste."

Sella raised a brow at the other maid's wording, but accepted it. It was the best that she was going to get, after all. "Also," she said, "Don't to tease him too much. You call yourself an Einzbern maid, don't you?"

"No, I call myself Leysritt."

"…Leysritt."

"See," Leysritt said with a congratulatory thumbs up. "You got it down already. Good job."

"This is serious."

Leysritt blinked. Sella was always serious when she said things were serious. "As you wish, Sella. I shall do my best to perform my duties as a maid towards Shirou."

"Good," Sella said with a nod. "Now, if you excuse me, I think I'll check on how Kiritsugu-sama and Irisviel-sama are doing."

Leysritt watched Sella walk down the hall, before turning to the bathroom door. She had promised to take her duties as a maid seriously after all – and what kind of maid didn't wash her master's back? Reaching for the handle, she tried to turn it, unsurprisingly finding it locked.

But that was okay. After all, she had a key.

"Eh? Leysritt? What are you doing in here?"

"Sella told me to do this."

"Eh?"

XXX

Sella did her best to ignore the young boy's cries for help (or, perhaps more accurately, cries for **no** help), deciding to turn her attention to the boy's parents, who had finally managed to get their act together and prepare Shirou's room like responsible adults. There hadn't been much progress of course, since the first thing they needed to do was clean up the mess their acts as irresponsible adults had caused.

As the head maid (of two), she felt obligated to help them get rid of the paint they had splattered all over the room. However, her masters had insisted on doing it themselves; Kiritsugu had acquired a talent for cleaning or, as he sometimes put it, leaving no evidence behind that he was ever there. Irisviel, on the other hand, probably slowed him down a little – but Sella hoped that her master would learn how difficult such a job actually was.

…considering how much fun Irisviel took in some of the more mundane aspects of normal life, however, that wasn't likely.

"Ne, Kiri~" Irisviel asked as she tugged on her husband's arm.

"What is it, Iri?" Kiritsugu asked, turning towards her with a warm smile.

"How did you get that wall so clean again?" Iri asked, as she pointed to said wall. "It's practically sparkling!"

"It's actually quite simple. Here, let me show you."

"Wah~ How wonderful!"

It was a little annoying, to be honest. Sella was almost tempted to interrupt them – but decided against it. There was nothing wrong with being cheerful, and it was all the better if her masters were happy. Still, she did the important thing and made sure to take out all of the paint weaponry out of the room while they weren't paying attention to her - just in case they decided to try using the paint guns one more time. She couldn't just leave them lying around, though, and made sure to carefully organize them in the one place she knew they belonged: the trash bin.

Then, with that done, she decided that she really delay finding out what her fellow maid had done to Shirou. There hadn't been any more shouts after that first one, so she assumed that everything was okay. So, with just a hint of trepidation she walked to the bathroom.

Surprisingly, Leysritt had managed to remember to lock the door. This, however, was cancelled out by the fact that she had forgotten to close it fully – so with just a little push it opened wide, revealing the occupants inside.

"Leysritt… what are you doing?" Sella asked, as she palmed her face.

"Making sure my new master doesn't drown," Leysritt said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Then, just in case Sella didn't get it, she gestured down to herself – sitting in the bath with all of her clothes on, with Shirou in her lap keeping his eyes covered. It was hard to tell if he was doing that to avoid looking at either of them, or to hide his embarrassment.

Whichever one it was, however, he failed at it. "S-Sella, why're you here too?" he said, looking at the door when he heard someone enter, face flushed with the color red.

"I'm here because I was worried about you," Sella said, rubbing her temples. "And, it appears I was right to be."

"See," Leysritt said, smiling down at Shirou. "Sella agrees with me. It's not safe to let you bathe by yourself."

"No. I don't think she's agreeing with you at all," Shirou said, though his straight man routine was hampered by how unusually high pitched his voice was.

"Oh?" Leysritt said, tilting her head. Then, after seeing that Shirou wouldn't elaborate, she looked to Sella for help. "You aren't agreeing with me, Sella?"

"No, no I'm not. To begin with, do you remember that little talk we had a few minutes ago?"

Leysritt blinked. "You mean about not teaching him what good taste is?" she recalled out loud.

"After that," Sella said with a frown.

"Ah… you mean how I shouldn't tease him too much."

Sella nodded. "Yes."

"Don't worry," Leysritt said with a warm smile. "I made sure I wore my uniform so he wouldn't be teased at all, Sella."

The other maid rolled her eyes. "Leysritt… you forgot a couple of things."

"Oh?" Leysritt asked. She forgot things all the time – so it was good if she only forgot a couple. Then again, it was clear from Sella's voice that apparently those two things were very important.

"One," Sella said, as she held up a finger. "Our uniforms are white. Two," she continued, raising a second finger to join her first. "You're completely drenched."

Leysritt blinked. "Sella… I didn't forget either of those things."

"…" This time, Sella really did palm her face. "Leysritt… look down at yourself for a moment."

Leysritt obeyed – and immediately realized the error she had made today. "Ah," she said with a small gasp. "I forgot to wear a bra today."

"Yes. Yes you did."

"Sorry. It's just that I forgot because Sella doesn't usually need one herself."

"Leysritt? Out. Now."

"Ah, of course," Leysritt said, standing up from the bath, letting Shirou slide off of her legs. Then she stepped out, ignoring the fact that she was dripping everywhere. Just past the door, however, she turned back to look at the two. "Are you going to take my place, Sella?"

"No. I'm sure Shirou's old enough to take a bath by himself. He won't need anybody to accompany him in here now or in the future."

"Oh," Leysritt said, staring at Sella. Then, after a moment, she looked back at Shirou – who was quick to cover up his legs for some strange reason. "In that case, do be careful, Shirou."

"I-I will," the boy said.

And, satisfied by that, Leysritt left the area – leaving only the head maid and the young master alone. Sella herself soon followed – but just as she closed the door fully she heard Shirou call out to her.

"S-Sella?"

"Yes, Shirou-sama?" Sella asked, wondering what he could possibly want.

"Thank you."

Sella paused for a moment, before allowing herself a smile. The boy had manners, at least. Still - "There is no need for thanks," she told him through the door. "It's the duty of a maid to protect her master from anything – even another maid."

**Especially** if it's another maid.

XXX

The room was already starting to look respectable the second time Sella came around – though it seemed that Irisviel was curious where all of their previous equipment had gone. Since the question hadn't been directed specifically at Sella, though, she felt no need to answer that particular curiousity.

The walls and ceiling were miraculously clean, and even the floor seemed to have undergone a transformation. Already, a layer of primer was drying on the room, cleanly applied to everything it was meant to and, more importantly, nothing like the carpet or the people inside. How they had managed to do this in such a short amount of time was a mystery to Sella, to be plainly honest.

After that, it was time to see to Ilya. In the past, Sella would've helped Ilya put her clothes on, though recently the young girl had insisted on putting it on herself. On one hand, it was taking away one of the important duties of a maid from Sella – but then again she didn't want to smother the girl. Besides, learning how to dress one's self was an important lesson for any person.

Being a little girl, however, Ilya's chosen outfits tended to be rather… odd at times. Like many children her age, she mixed and match garments with no regard to how it actually looked all together, instead choosing what to wear based on how "cool" or "cute" each individual article was. This had led to one occasion where Ilya had put on three different skirts – somehow managing to avoid wearing any of them around her waist like she was supposed to. It didn't help that Irisviel encouraged that behavior by coming in wearing four skirts.

Still, such a disaster was rare, and Ilya had seemed to have better senses on what went well together now – but that was only natural after all. For all the silliness Irisviel tended to show, there were few that could match her tastes in fashion. After playing around with Ilya that day, Irisviel had given her daughter some tips on how to dress up.

For example:

"You shouldn't put so much stuff on, Ilya-chan," Irisviel had said that day. "More isn't necessarily better, right?"

"Yes," Leysritt had chimed in, agreeing with a nod. "In fact, more can be worse in a lot of ways. If you have too much it'll start to get heavy and your back will start to hurt."

It was good advice, though Sella couldn't help but feel a little irritated hearing it. Then again, she had mixed feelings about that whole ordeal.

"Ah, so I should become more like Sella, Mama?"

There had been a lot of mixed feelings, actually.

This particular day, however, whatever Ilya chose to wear would be the least of Sella's worries – or so Sella thought. A sense of dread filled her when she reached Ilya's door, though; it was the distinct feeling that she had forgotten something very important. It was as though something that should have been somewhere simply hadn't been where it was supposed to be. What that something or where that somewhere was, however, were a mystery.

At least they were, until Sella opened the door.

"Ne, ne, Sella," Ilya said cheerfully as the maid entered her room. "I'm just like Onii-chan!"

She wasn't, of course. Girls couldn't just suddenly turn into their older brothers, after all. She was simply wearing his clothes – or, rather, just his shirt, since his pants were lying in a crumpled pile around the girl's feet. Even that shirt didn't fit particularly well on her, since it was meant for a boy quite a bit bigger than her size. None of that seemed to bother Ilya, however, who waved proudly at the maid, sending the long blue sleeve of the shirt flapping around.

Sella sighed. "Ilya-sama," she said, walking over to the girl. "Just where did you get those clothes?"

"Ah," Ilya said, looking up at her, still grinning. "Leysritt threw them out of the bathroom when she went in to see Onii-chan."

"So she did…" Sella frowned. Really, Leysritt seemed to be spectacularly careless today. "In any case, you should take that off."

"Eh?" Ilya's eyes went wide. "But then I won't be Onii-chan anymore!"

…somehow, she had progressed to being like Shirou to actually being him. Still, it was clear that having an older brother had made a big impression on the girl – how troublesome. "Yes, but that shirt is dirty – that's why he had to take it off in the first place."

"But – but, Onii-chan!"

Sella hung her head slightly, wondering what she should do. She couldn't have Ilya running around in Shirou's shirt – especially not one that was covered in paint like that. Dry or not it was dirty and, more importantly, it was far too loose on her. However, she didn't just want to force it off the girl; such a brutish method was ill suited for raising a child.

Ah. Then how about…?

"You know," Sella said, kneeling down so their eyes were level with each other. "If you're 'Onii-chan', then that means Shirou-sama can't be your onii-chan, Ilya-sama."

Ilya blinked, and Sella could practically hear the pieces falling into place in Ilya's mind. "Eh? But then…"

"Then you won't have an onii-chan anymore."

"No," Ilya said, rushing to take the shirt off – before dramatically throwing it to the ground. "I don't want that!"

"That's a good girl," Sella said, patting the girl on the head.

"So, does this mean that Onii-chan is still Onii-chan?" Ilya asked, a note of fear in her voice.

"Yes, of course," Sella said.

"That's good," Ilya said with a sigh of relief. Then, after a moment, "Ah – but… if Onii-chan's shirt is dirty, then what will he be wearing?"

Sella blinked. She hadn't actually thought of that; they couldn't just have the boy standing around in a towel until his clothes were clean. It wasn't like anybody else in this house had clothes that would fit the boy. "W-well," Sella said. "I'm sure we'll figure something out."

XXX

Someone did figure something out. It just happened to be the last person Sella wanted it to be.

"Sella, do not worry," Leysritt said, giving her a thumbs up. "Shirou's nudity is not a problem."

Did she really have to phrase it that way?

After getting Ilya dressed, Sella went to check on the other maid to make sure that Leysritt had at least properly dried herself. However, Leysritt hadn't managed to simply change out of her wet uniform into a dry shirt and pants; she had also seemed to have some clothes for Shirou as well. Of course, as strange as it was for Leysritt to own that kind of clothing to begin with, it was even stranger how it seemed to be around Shirou's sizes.

To be honest, Sella wasn't sure what to ask about first. However, she couldn't just stand there in shock, staring at the uniform that Leysritt had laid flat on top of her bed forever.

"Okay," Sella said, after taking a deep breath to mentally ready herself for whatever Leysritt had to say. Whatever it was, it was sure to be… interesting. "Can you exactly tell me why you have butler uniform?"

Leysritt tilted her head, as though Sella was missing something obvious. "I have them because Shirou needed clothes. He does need them, right?" she asked – just in case that was she had been wrong about that.

"Of course he does," Sella said with a scowl. "Why wouldn't he need them?"

"Well," Leysritt replied, looking down as she tugged at her collar. "They can get pretty uncomfortable at times. It is just a little bothersome, especially if I am just going to stay inside the house."

"Because, there are still men in the house," Sella said, crossing her arms. "Kiritsugu-sama is here after all… and now Shirou as well."

"Okay," Leysritt said, looking unconvinced.

Sella sighed. "Anyway – where did you even get these clothes?"

"I made them using magic," Leysritt said, blinking. "Is that a problem?"

"…oh," Sella said, blinking. "Well, no, not really, but…"

That was right. The maid in front of her had an affinity with clothing – though she usually used it to make ridiculous things like costumes of characters in those animation shows she watched. Though generally everyone in the family avoided using magic in front of Ilya (and, presumably Shirou now as well), this was an emergency.

Still… if Leysritt was making clothes for Shirou, did it really have to be these?

"Leysritt," Sella said, eyeing the clothes one more time. "I thought I told you that Shirou wasn't going to do your maid work for you."

"I know."

"He's also not going to be a butler."

"I know that as well."

"You know that, as our masters' son, he is our master as well, right?"

"Of course."

"So… is there any particular reason why you're having him dress up as a servant like us?"

Leysritt thought about that question for a moment, glancing back to the uniform she had set out for him. Certainly, there had been plenty of options available for her. She could have made a school uniform, like the white gakuran she saw student council presidents wearing in shows. There were the classic pilot uniforms of mecha anime as well. Then there were fantasy motifs she could have followed as well.

Ultimately, though, there was only one reason to explain her choice.

"It's moe."

"…moe."

"Yes, moe," Leysritt repeated, acknowledging Sella's proper pronunciation of the concept with a nod of her head. "It's the emotion induced by cute girls doing cute things, like wearing cute clothes."

"There's only one problem with that," Sella deadpanned.

"Oh?"

"Shirou-sama is a boy."

"Ah." Leysritt nodded. She could see why Sella would think that was a problem. "Do not worry," Leysritt said, a reassuring smile on her face. "Little boys are not that different from little girls."

Sella raised a brow. "How exactly do you figure something like that?"

Leysritt blinked, before turning her eyes downward. Then, with placing her hand on her chest, she looked back up at Sella. "Neither of them have these," she said, with a pat of her breast.

"…"

"Come to think of it," Leysritt added, her eyes lingering over Sella. "Sella, you are very moe yourself."

"Somehow," Sella said with a sigh. "I feel like I really shouldn't take that as a compliment."

Whatever. The important thing was that Shirou had clothes to wear now – even if a butler uniform wasn't her first choice to put the young master in. That said, she couldn't quite shake the feeling that there was something still… off.

"Where's his underwear?" she asked, glancing over the clothing one more time.

"Oh, that. They're right there," Leysritt said, pointing to another part of the bed.

"Leysritt… there's only a pair of striped panties over there."

"Yes. Those are moe as well."

XXX

It took only a moment for Leysritt to make proper undergarments for Shirou… though that moment happened only after the minutes Sella spent explaining why they weren't appropriate for a young man to Leysritt. It didn't help that Leysritt seemed to be entirely convinced that its inappropriateness only made it more moe.

Ultimately, though, Shirou had clothes to wear. After that, things had gone relatively smoothly.

Despite Sella's misgivings about leaving Kiritsugu and Irisviel alone in a room with paint, she had even bigger worries about leaving Leysritt the task of watching over Ilya and Shirou. Nothing, however, would have been as dangerous as letting anybody else cook.

Irisviel was just as reckless in making dinner as she was painting a room. If Kiritsugu cooked, Irisviel would try to help him. As for Leysritt… well, admittedly, Leysritt was capable of cooking, if she didn't let herself get distracted. "If" being the key word, of course. In the end, she just had to trust Leysritt wouldn't do anything strange.

Amazingly, everything turned out better than expected. Shirou's room had become a nice shade of blue, Leysritt hadn't tried to inflict moe on the children, and dinner was ready. It seemed like there would be no more problems…

Until they reached the dinner table.

"Ne," Ilya said suddenly, as she poked at some of her peas absentmindedly. "Where is Onii-san going to sleep?"

Irisviel smiled at her daughter. "In his bed, of course."

"…what bed?" Ilya asked.

For a moment, everybody went silent. The adults had realized that they had neglected to get any furniture for Shirou's room. There were spare blankets and pillows, but they were useless without as much as a mattress to put them on.

Shirou, too, understood this, and felt embarrassed for unintentionally putting his newfound family on the spot. "I… I can sleep on the couch," he said awkwardly, figuring that would be good enough.

His mother furrowed her blows. "No, that won't do," Irisviel said, shaking her head. "That won't do at all, Shirou. You can't sleep on the sofa."

"But mama, Leys falls asleep there all the time while watching TV."

"It's not the same thing," Leysritt said. "And besides, I sometimes have back pain afterwards."

"…I don't think that has anything to do with the sofa," Sella muttered.

"Did you say something, Sella?"

"No, not at all," Sella said, shaking her head. "But maybe we should run out real quick and get him a bed."

"Actually," Kiristugu said, stroking his chin. His eyes glanced out over to the window, looking towards the sky already filled with stars. "The stores are probably closed right now. We probably can't pick one up until tomorrow."

This was a major oversight. Really, it was a poor first impression for the family to make. Still, there had to be a solution for this.

"Ah," Leysritt said. "He can take my bed tonight."

Sella raised a brow. "I thought you said you had back pain from the sofa."

"Don't worry," Leysritt said. "I'm sure that won't be a problem tonight."

Sella wasn't exactly convinced. However, before she could inquire more…

"Well, that settles that!"

…the matter was closed cheerfully by Irisviel, who seemed to have no problems with it whatsoever.

"Is this really okay?" Shirou asked cautiously, looking at Sella for an answer.

Sella decided to avoid his gaze for the rest of dinner.

XXX

Really, Shirou felt bad. He didn't really have any problems over taking the sofa; it couldn't have been more uncomfortable than the hospital bed, after all.

"Leysritt didn't have to give up her bed," Shirou said with a pang of guilt, as he curled up in her bed.

"Who said I was giving it up?"

Shirou blinked, and immediately sat up. There, standing next to the bed, was the maid dressed in her pajamas. "Eh?" he said, blinking. "Leysritt? I thought you were sleeping on the couch."

Leysritt tilted her head curiously. "What gave you that idea?"

"Well, at the table – Sella asked you about the sofa…"

"Yes," Leysritt said; she hadn't forgotten the question, or the answer. "And I told her that it wouldn't be a problem."

XXX

End of Chapter 2


End file.
